“To Each Her Own” Explores the Coming Out Process

“To Each Her Own” is a twenty-something coming of age story about a closeted, young, married woman, Jessica Sutterland (Hannah Hogan), whose life is turned upside-down after a chance meeting with openly gay, Casey (Tracy Rae). Written, directed, and produced by Heather Tobin, the film explores the feelings and emotions that people go through while undergoing the coming out process and Tobin hopes that – through her work – more people will come to understand how truly hard the struggle with both internalized and external homophobia can be. Here, Cherry Grrl learns more about To Each Her Own, which is currently making its way around the film festival circuit, from the talented independent filmmaker who brought this powerful story to life.

Cherry Grrl (CG): The story of To Each Her Own is one that a lot of women can relate to – when someone new and unexpected comes into your life and changes everything. Where did you come up with the idea for the plot and what were your goals in telling this type of coming out story?
Heather Tobin (HT): Casey was certainly new and unexpected for Jess, she completely turns her world up-side-down, which is scary for anyone.  But after time passes she realizes that she is scared because it is so right.  I think everyone’s been in a place in their life when something is too good to be true and you get scared and push it away.  You’re scared it’s going to go away and subconsciously it’s easier if you’re the reason the person leaves.  Not only is Casey new and exciting, she is also Jess’ first woman and has a track record of being an absolute player.  People tend to like consistency and stability; Trevor is all Jess has ever known and although she is not in love with him she loves him very much, he has been her best friend for many years.  Hurting someone you love is always hard, even when it’s for the best for everyone.  These are some of the issues that come up in the film.  When I wrote the movie I had never been in love and most of it was fictional.  Since then I have fallen in love three times and have experienced being in Casey’s shoes (well close enough).  It’s funny because I wrote the film from a place of absolute fiction and it became a reality.  Back in 2003, when I first graduated film school, I made a documentary on the process of same-sex marriage being legalized in Canada – “I Do?” (a documentary profiling same-sex marriage).  It was through making this film that I was able to interview over 70 queer people and learn their stories.  At the time of writing To Each Her Own I used a lot of those stories as inspiration for the characters in the film.  Making the documentary and meeting so many wonderful gay people really helped me come to terms with my own sexuality.  I went from being a so called bi-sexual to a very proud lesbian.  A mental transition that a lot of us have to go through; self denial is usually one of the biggest problems with coming out.

CG: Why did you decide to write Jessica and Trevor as a married couple as opposed to just a committed one? Were you ever concerned that the audience would view Jessica’s actions more harshly because of that?
HT: The fact that Jessica was married didn’t really cross my mind in the sense of people viewing Jess’ actions more harshly; I just wanted to emphasize her commitment level to what she thought was who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.  In my opinion people should not cheat on anyone they are in a committed relationship with and marriage doesn’t make that worse than common law, etc… I was never concerned about the audience thinking poorly of Jess.  I wanted the story to be true and in real life even the best of people handle situations poorly and it isn’t always a personal reflection of their character.  There are many factors to consider and Jess’ confusion hopefully helps the audience feel sorry for her and not feel negatively towards her and if they do, than that’s ok too.  Film is to provoke true emotion from people and reflect who they are.  Everyone feels differently about certain moral issues whether its upbringing or experiences that change their perspective.

CG: Despite having feelings for the same sex before in her life, Jessica decided to marry a man. Why did she choose that path? What was she afraid of?
HT: Well I like to leave this up to the audience to form their own opinions; if the film is as strong as I think it is than the audience should be able to tell by watching what Jess was thinking.  To me, it was just the simple fact that she loved Trevor as a friend and never really thought that there was actually a way to get more than that feeling from life.  She had never met another gay person in her small town and being with Trevor was simply “Just how it is.”  I think a lot of older lesbians can relate to this.  Marrying a man is just what you do.  This is the kind of thought process that hopefully my film will change.

CG: What did Jessica find with Casey that she wasn’t getting from Trevor?
HT: THIS IS THE MONEY QUESTION and cannot be answered with words.  When you’re gay and you’ve only been with men and you meet you’re first woman, your world finally makes sense.  This is an experience I hope every gay person will get to have.  Coming out is the greatest feeling ever and I could never try to describe it with words.  I am certainly not a strong enough poet for that (laughs).

CG: What were you looking for in your leading ladies and how did Hannah Hogan (as Jessica) and Tracy Rae (as Casey) fulfill that for you?
HT: As a truly Indy filmmaker I shot To Each Her Own on 10 grand (visa style) plus my 30 grand of film equipment I had previously bought with hard earned factory money.  I knew that I didn’t have the funds to make this movie successful on sets or special effects or any other such glamorous things.  I didn’t even have the funds to pay my actors.  So I knew that a character piece was what I needed to do and that the only way it was going to be great was if my actors were amazing.  I had open casting calls in Toronto and interviewed over 200 people.  All 13 main actors in the film were wonderful and did I ever luck out with the talent of my leads.  Trae Rae (Casey) was still in high school at the time and has more natural acting talent that most people with years of experience.  Hannah Hogan (Jess) was on her summer vacation between first and second year of acting school at Humber College and was the top student in her class and Shaughnessy Redden (Trevor) had already been a part of numerous Indy film projects.  The three of them blew me away on a daily basis and I owe the entire success of the film to the amazing skills of my three leads.

CG: What do you think sets your film apart from others about a woman who leaves or betrays a relationship with a man to pursue feelings for another woman? In what ways might the viewer be surprised by this story?
HT: I think a lot of other films like this stay on the surface of the feelings of the characters.  A lot of the time they are romantic comedies where as this film is a drama to the core.  The emotion on Jess’ face allows the audience to fall right into her soul and feel along with her.  In this film the player (Casey) learns to love and you can’t help but to love the loyal Trevor.  He loves Jess and truly wants what will make her happy, which is a rare quality for anyone to have.  Some people find it hard to relate to him because he is so understanding, but it’s funny because Trevor is the character that I relate the most to.  So often in life I have walked away from a girl I love because I know that there is someone out there who is better for them.  Selflessness is a rare quality for people to posses full heartedly and that’s why sometimes the audience finds Trevor just a little too nice.  But he is one in a million and one in a million of the time you meet someone like that.  In my opinion Trevor deep down knew his wife was gay all along and was simply biding his time with her enjoying the moments because in the end all life really is is a string of moments and we might as well spend our time enjoying them.  Nice guys tend to finish last.  I love Trevor’s character for that.  It was important to me not to portray him as the bad guy.  Too often men are looked down upon in lesbian films.

CG: The film has appeared at various film festivals – what has the audience reaction been so far?
HT: Overall the film has been getting excellent reviews.  It’s really neat to see how different people all over the world with different upbringings react so differently to the same stuff.

CG: What, for you, has been the most fulfilling thing about making this movie?
HT: The fan mail.  Girls of 15, 16, 17 are writing me and asking me about coming out.  Knowing that people might watch my film and do something about these feelings they have been repressing.  Or simply stopping someone who had a negative opinion about gay people from having such said strong opinion.  The sooner homophobic people realize that we are just like everyone else, the sooner we can all just get along.  And the only way for this to improve is for people to see more of it.   When being gay is part of the norm in society, the second looks will stop happening.  People learn through the powerful tool that is the media, more queer films need to be made to help stop homophobia both external and internal.

CG: What are your future goals for this project?
HT: Well right now it’s a toss up between signing on with various distributors or self-distribution.  Regardless, the festival circuit will keep running for the film until September and after that the film will be for sale through the website www.toeachherown.com.

CG: Are there any other films that you are currently working on that focus on the lesbian community that you can tell us about?
HT: As of now, other than this really cool sci-fi I wrote a while back called Innate Responses, I don’t intend to stray away from directing queer cinema.  There simply aren’t enough of them.  Right now I am currently saving cash to shoot a lesbian concept film out in Vancouver come September.  I really need to start researching grants because funding films off minimum wage just isn’t fun (laughs). So fans can stay tuned for that – it’s still title-less, but it should be something to keep an eye out for.

For more about Heather Tobin and her films visit www.toeachherown.com.